1998
dark days
2018
my story
The day my teenage daughter announced she had suicidal thoughts was the beginning of the end. The end of me thinking I could protect her from suffering and the end of assuming I knew what the hell I was doing as a mother. Those dark years between mothering a young child and guiding an adult daughter were like navigating a sailboat through a hurricane — the seas turbulent, the foreboding winds merciless.
To find my rhythm, to trust myself, I had to sing my own song — not the song of being a wife or a mother or daughter, but about me — who I was and wanted to become. Until I got clear about that, I circled the drain worrying about being good enough, and kept myself in a chrysalis state. Then I read a story, a mother-daughter myth, that helped me accept and believe in myself. It is through sharing stories that women discover their wisdom.
To keep my equilibrium, I learned to balance my anxiety with patience, my depression with trust. I had to stop the self-defeating messages passed on from one generation to the next in my family. And I had to practice new skills that had nothing to do with raising a perfect family and everything to do with being true to myself.
But here’s the thing: I always slip. I constantly blow it, put my foot in my mouth, try too hard, give unrequested advice to my kids, say things I wish I hadn’t, forget all I’ve learned. I relapse again and again. Then I reset and start over because growth is cyclical, not linear. The difference is I no longer worry that I am not perfect. Instead, I find joy in the adventure of self-discovery and focus on encouraging more women to be honest and compassionate so our daughters, and their daughter’s daughters, will have the role models they need.
about
ANN BATCHELDER is the author of CRAVING SPRING: A mother’s quest, a daughter’s depression, and the Greek myth that brought them together. (Legacy Book Press)
Ann served as Editor of Fiberarts Magazine for ten years. Later, as guest curator for the Asheville Art Museum, she designed and developed three major contemporary art exhibitions featuring internationally recognized artists such as Louise Bourgeois, Ann Hamilton, Sally Mann, Maya Lin, and Laurie Anderson.
She earned an English degree from Kenyon College, a master’s degree (MSW) in psychotherapy from Simmons University, was Acting Director of the International Studies Program at Lesley University, an account executive for a Manhattan advertising agency, and the Director of Special Events for the Brooklyn Academy of Music.
Ann has kept a mindfulness practice since 2004, is the mother of two adult children, and lives with her husband in Asheville, N.C.
photo: Laurie Johnson
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